12 Jul 1985, Posted by Scott An Chora in Travelogue, No Comments.

07/12 Helsinki, Finland

I woke from a dream, fixing my eyes on the unseen shadows of the dark room and began tracing the steps of the dream that had just left my grasp.  I got up, sat at a table in the corner of the room and stared out at the moon.

Not a leaf stirred, not a foot print left behind, as I sneaked pass the watchful dragons
paradise, rebirth, immorality, the oracles of human time, questions
Without a word, without an image, in that brief moment when the clouds have cleared, silence
where the emotion takes over the intellect, I was made aware
I was told to look at my reflection, to face our illusions, told that joy lies in the desire,
true love can be birthed in a blink of an eye and then never dies. worship is charity and nothing else

Eventually I fell back to sleep and it was then I saw her walking toward me.  She had a young daughter by her side, maybe another with her husband who was retrieving something from their car as I approached.  I stated what I had rehearsed in my head many times before “what happened to us”.  Although I had sketched the lines of our time together, over and over in my mind, I still can’t recall what broke us apart.  Her eyes looked blank as she looked back at me.  I thought perhaps she did not recognize me, or worse, didn’t remember me at all, but then she smiled.  She explained to her husband, whom had caught up to his family that she knew me from her past and that she’d catch up with him in a minute or two.  I looked at her family as they walked away and thought to myself how happy they looked.  I thought to myself that she was where she belonged.  I recall that we wandered along a grassy hillside, talked and laughed a little.  She remembered things that I had forgotten.  Then our attention was redirected toward a litter of puppies and I awoke.  I sat up in bed with feelings of emptiness and thoughts about being alone.  I thought about her and other relationships left in my path.  And then I wondered where she was now and how we didn’t remain friends.  Dreams have wings and promise beautiful things but with the raising of the sun I forgot each one.  It’s been said before better than I ever could “Regret is just a memory written across my brow”.

When I woke up in the morning, felt like all I had was gone, I felt like I was empty inside, something outside was wrong
The wind blew, leaves scattered to the stream, standing on its margins, I held onto this dream
I wonder, how it can be, repeating the music of the rain, I was alone here, unable to explain
The world she spins around me, love can never change and though I did not embrace it, feelings still remain
When I woke up in the morning, I lost my right from wrong, I felt like I was empty inside, felt like all I had was gone

We had met at a high school dance and from the moment I saw her through the crowd, I knew that smile.  Her beauty was innocent.  I recall attempting to organize a surprise birthday party for her and it was during that effort that things fell apart.  I don’t recall the details.  I just knew she didn’t want to see me anymore.  I have waited, looked for her in crowds, drove by her parent’s house a number of times hoping to see her again.  I always believed that our paths would cross but they never have.  I was so very immature and I’m sure that was part of the problem.   Pattern I seemed to have embraced.  In many respects these types of relationships placed gains of sand in my heart.  The questions that grew from that brief time spent together is what started me writing down my feelings.  It was an exercise I used to gain clarity.  What was I really feeling?  What was I really thinking?  It was an attempt to understand myself and what was going on between my ears.  Once you get these type of things down on paper it gives you the opportunity to reflect on it later, under a different light.  It is that type of light that often exposes the truth.  I often look back on critical choices I wonder what direction the opposite choice would have taken me.  Where would I be today?  A fool again?  at least I’m consistent.

To play in life, a singing song, the hands of a vanishing moon
is reaching out, my heart’s loose strings and draws it up in tune

That loving touch, I’m missing, my love I lost through tears
is reaching out, I saw you go, hasn’t vanished through the years

And now, I’m truly lonely, among but still alone,
though the strings, of my heart, so well in tune, has lost that loving tone

I was up early and through the morning fog headed to the port.  It could be called bad planning or nothing much to do but I arrived hours before the doors were to open.  I sat with my back against a locked door waiting.  I kept trying to shake off the urge to head back up north and chase down my soul mate.  The thought of her had been following me around like a shadow.  It wasn’t long before somebody else joined me in my wait, a young Swede who didn’t say very much.  What he did say was that he was returning home from holiday, he had been hitching around southern Finland.  Once they opened up the doors the two of us claimed separate couches to relax and waited for our boat.